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   Communication Skills        Do's and Dont's
 

 KNOW YOUR PARENTING STYLE

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 i) Are you a Rejecting/Neglecting Parent?

         The Rejecting/Neglecting style of parenting is low on both love and limits. It is generally thought of as uncaring and inadequate to meet the needs of children. Sometimes, it is referred to as the "indifferent parenting style" due to its lack of emotional involvement and supervision
of children.

Parents and children, in a rejecting/neglecting home, frequently engage in vicious cycles of interaction. An example of this cycle is as follows:

 1. Parent attempts to control a child's behavior by ineffective means. For example, a parent 
     may yell at a child to pick up his or her toys or threaten to take them all
     out to the garbage if they are not picked up immediately.

 2. Child ignores the parent or whines/argues in response.

 3. Parents stops threatening/yelling and withdraws from the situation. This
     action reinforces the very thing the parent wishes to stop by doing  
     exactly what the child wants (leave him or her alone).

 4. Child assumes a measure of control over the parent as he or she has just witnessed a     
     means of "getting their way."

 5. Pattern escalates as parents "up the ante" and begins threatening and yelling in earnest or  
     physical abuse begins.

 6. Child finally complies with the parents request to pick up the toys and reinforces the parents
     abusive behavior   (i.e., parents feels that he or she must get angry or abusive in order to
     get the child to comply). Or the child continues to refuse to cooperate by more whining,   
     ignoring, or running away.

 7. Parents give up or abuse the child in sheer frustration.

 ii) Are you an Authoritarian Parent?

This parent values obedience. Commanding the child what to do and what not to do, rules 
are clear and unbending. The parent pours the "right" information into the child who is  
considered an empty vessel. Misbehavior is strictly punished.

This style mismatches a rapidly changing society, which values choice and innovation. Rebellion often results from strict punishment. Spanking, which models violence as a solution to problems, is contradictory in a society, which claims to value peaceful solutions.

The Authoritarian Parenting Style is high on limits and low on love. That doesn't mean that an authoritarian parent does not love their child. They do love their child but their parenting strengths are in the area of action discipline (limits) and not relationship discipline (love).

Most children of authoritarian parents do not feel as if they had a close, warm relationship with their parents. Consequently, they are not someone they feel they can turn to for empathy and problem solving. Authoritarian parents value obedience and respect. They do not negotiate rules and chores. And they believe in a family hierarchy, with dad usually at the top, mom next in line, and children last.

   iii) Are you a Permissive Parent?

These parents encourage children to think for themselves, avoid inhibitions, and not value conformity. Parents take a "hands-off" approach, allowing children to learn from the consequences of their actions. Misbehavior is usually ignored.

The Permissive Parenting Style is high on love (relationship discipline) and low on limits (action discipline). Permissive parents are highly attuned to their child's developmental and emotional needs but have difficulty setting firm limits. In fact, the biggest tell tale sign of a permissive parent is their inconsistent discipline. Bedtime is at 7 one night and 10 the next. They use reason and negotiation to gain their child's compliance. They use their attachment and bond with their child to teach right from wrong.

Although those raised in this style are creative and original, they often have trouble living in a highly populated community as well as fitting into the work force. Ignoring misbehavior gives no information about expected behavior. With no intervention, the bully wins, while the passive child loses, a perfect set-up to be a victim in later life. Aggressive patterns become ingrained when children are not guided to find acceptable ways to get desires met.

   iv) Are you an Assertive-Democratic Parent?

These parents establish basic guidelines for children. Clarifying issues, they give reasons for limits. Learning to take responsibility is a high priority. Children are given lots of practice in making choices and guided to see the consequences of those choices. Misbehavior is handled with an appropriate consequence or by problem solving with the child to find an acceptable way to get desires met. Out-of-control children have "cool-off' time, not punishment. Children are part of deciding how to make amends when someone is something has been hurt.

 Assertive/­democratic parenting is the best for today's fast-changing information age where choice is constant and there is no longer just one "right" way. Children raised by this style learn to accept responsibility, make wiser choices, cope with change, and are better equipped to succeed in a work force, which relies on cooperative problem-solving.

 The democratic or balanced parenting style is high on both love and limits. It is based on the democratic concepts such as equality and trust. Parents and children are equal in terms of their need for dignity and worth but not in terms of responsibility and decision making. In large families, where there are more children than adults, parents would easily be outvoted, for example, on whether ice-cream should be served before or after dinner. Parents, like the president in a democratic society, have veto-power over decisions that may affect the health and well-being of younger family members.

 Healthy parenting style can help to deal with children having aggressive, anxious, fearful, disobedience, unmotivated in school and immature behavior.

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